Beginnings and endings

This has been a busy week in which I experienced the happiness of a new beginning but also the pain of a loss and the finality of death. The cycle of life continues and death is an inescapable part of that cycle, but with death comes a stark reminder of how fragile life is and a renewed appreciation of the time we do have and making the most of it.

On Monday May 1st I moved out of the apartment where I’d been renting a room since January and which had become an extremely stressful and uncomfortable situation. I’m now renting a room in south-west Portland which is in a beautiful house with roommates who are respectful and considerate. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breath. I’m now living in what can best be described as a sanctuary; it’s like living in the middle of the woods where there is not another house in sight and where the only sounds I hear are the sounds of nature. I now go to sleep listing to crickets and frogs instead of the clamor of delivery trucks being unloaded, and I wake up to the sounds of birds chirping and singing instead of roommates yelling and screaming at each other. My room has three big windows so there is lots of light, including the morning sun. And best of all, I have my own little private deck where I can sit in the patio chair my mom gave me and just relax. There are so many birds here and I’ve found that it’s really relaxing to just listen to all the birds and watch them fly around; who knows, maybe I’ll take up bird-watching! A few days after I moved in we had two days which were absolutely perfect; lots of sun and temperatures in the upper 70s, and I was sitting on my deck in the evening watching and listening to the birds and feeling so incredibly relaxed, and I was thinking this is exactly what I had dreamed of for the past month as I waited to move out of the apartment. This was the moment that had gotten me through the last hellish month, and it was so worth waiting for.

Normally when I move I do everything myself because I’ve moved often enough that I have it down to a science, but now that I own a bed I decided to hire movers. Plus, I didn’t feel like lugging everything up and down all the stairs. The movers were great and everything went smoothly and I’m all unpacked and settled in and getting used to my new surroundings. It’s so nice to have a clean kitchen to use instead of having to clear away dirty pots and pans and having my shoes stick to the floor because it’s so dirty from food that was spilled and not cleaned up. I’ve never been accused of being a neat freak, but I do like things clean and organized, and it was not pleasant living in such disgusting conditions. Thankfully I can put all that behind me and focus on the future. I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time and I can get out of survival mode and start living life again. I haven’t been too active on social media for a while, but I plan on changing that.

But with all the positive feelings I’ve experienced this week I also received some sad news a few days ago when I learned that my step-father had passed away after a lengthy battle with Parkinson’s Disease. Death is never easy but in this case his passing was a blessing because he is no longer suffering and my mom can now move on from what has been a difficult ordeal for her. She has been by his side over the many years since he was diagnosed and has taken care of him as the disease ravaged his body; the past few years have been especially difficult for her as she watched him deteriorate both physically and mentally. I’ve known him my entire life and he was a good man and we will all miss him deeply, but there is comfort in knowing he’s in a better place and now my mom can get back to living life again. My oldest son is planning to fly out here next weekend and we’re going to drive up and spend a few days with my mom, and we’re both really excited because it’s been quite a few years since we’ve seen him. When I notified my youngest son of his grandpa’s passing it led to another hurtful encounter. I am at a loss as to why my own son treats me this way, but I’m done with it. This is a difficult time for me which was made ever harder by his insensitive and belligerent comments. I’m done, I can’t do this anymore. I thought perhaps this might bring up together and give us a chance to move forward, but sadly I was wrong. My focus is on my mom and being there for her through this difficult time; she has always been there for us and I’m happy for the opportunity to be there for her during this difficult time.

So that’s where I’m at right now; lots of change in my life but feeling excited about the future. Summer is fast approaching and I feel like a bear emerging from hibernation; it’s been a long, difficult winter and I’m ready to shake off the effects of my long slumber and sow my wild oats! During winter when it’s cold and rainy I don’t feel much like getting dressed up and going out, but now that the weather is warming up I can’t wait to unpack my summer clothes and get out and explore all the fun things to do in Portland! Summer clothes are much more fun and sexy than winter clothes!