Surviving, and asking for help

I have always considered myself very blessed to have the love and support of most of my family, especially my sons, because I know that is often not the case in the trans community. But I now find myself in the position of having lost so much of the love and support I once had, which has caused me to take a hard look at myself. I have lost the love of too many people in my life lately that it makes me wonder what is wrong with me; if all the progress I’ve made in the past two years was real. I am questioning everything about myself.

Spending the past several months here in Portland with my grandson and son have been some of the most joyous times of my life. And then my world blew apart last week in what was the most painful and heartbreaking week of my life. I am feeling a sense of loss and pain that I have no words to describe, yet I also feel numb like a part of me has died. I have cried until there are no tears left. This is a pain I don’t know how to deal with and it feels like the only way to escape it is to end my life. I can’t understand how my heart, which has been hurt so deeply, continues to beat.

I don’t know where I go from here or how to recover from this, so, I am asking for the help of my friends, because I can’t get through this alone. I’m returning to Los Angeles to try to figure out a way to deal with what my life has become. I have a difficult time asking for help, but this time I can’t afford not to. I had everything ready to kill myself last week, and I’m not sure why I didn’t actually do it. I guess I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe somehow things could be repaired, that I could get through this. But every time I think I might get through this something else comes up. It just never stops.

I’m trying to just get through one day at a time, one hour at a time. But each minute feels like an eternity. I don’t know if I can continue to do this day after day. How will I get through the holidays and my grandson’s first Christmas, my son’s birthday, and my grandson’s first birthday? I can’t imagine how painful those days are going to be, not being able to celebrate those special days with the people I love. I am scared at the thought of even trying.

They say times heals all wounds, but this one is too deep. I am lucky to have friends and family who care about me and I hope they can help me get through this. But part of me died last week with the loss of not having my son and grandson in my life and from the hateful things which have been said. A large chunk of my heart has been ripped out when my grandson was taken from my life, and when my son told me he was going to teach his son to hate me. There are no words to describe how it feels to know my grandson will grow up hating me.

I have always been a believer in quality of life versus quantity; living for the sake of living when the quality of life is no longer there. We treat our pets more humanely than we treat the people we care about. I have been very blessed to have led a good life and to have so many wonderful experiences. But now the quality of my life has gotten significantly worse, and I’m not sure if I can rebound from that. I don’t want a life filled with hurt and loss and so many memories which had once been beautiful but now torture me.

As if the last week hasn’t been bad enough I was already struggling because two weeks ago I was notified that my father’s cancer has spread and he doesn’t have much time left. My sister was urged to come see him because it would make him happy, and they offered to put her up in a hotel and take care of everything. No such offer was made to me so I can only conclude he doesn’t want to see me. He and I have never been close and he never accepted me, and I knew his passing would be difficult for me because of all our unresolved issues, but this just makes a difficult situation even more painful.

So I am headed back to Los Angeles to try to rebuild my life yet again. I just don’t know if I can do it.

If you are having thoughts of ending your life or need someone to talk to there are resources available:

Trans Lifeline

US: (877) 565-8860

Canada: (877) 330-6366

Trans Lifeline is a 501(c)3 non-profit dedicated to the well-being of transgender people. The hotline is run and staffed by transgender people for transgender people. Trans Lifeline volunteers are ready to respond to whatever support needs members of our community might have.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.