“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” – Kate Moss

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” – Kate Moss

We’ve all heard that infamous quote made by Kate Moss in 2009 that sparked outrage and has also been used as a rallying cry by pro-eating disorder websites. I never really understood what she meant, but now I actually do, which is a bit alarming in some ways.

The quote sums up the mentality that was so pervasive at the time; that models had to have the extremely thin “heroin chic” look in order to be successful. The pressure to be so thin led to an increase in eating disorders and body image issues, especially among young women. Things are somewhat better today, with less emphasis placed on being skinny and more focus on being healthy, and increased education that there is no right or wrong body shape. It has also helped that companies like Grooby Productions have made it a point to feature models of all shapes and sizes to promote healthy body image.

I’ve been fortunate to be naturally slender and for most of my life and able to eat most anything I wanted, within moderation of course. I enjoy food, whether it’s cooking or eating, and yes, I am a lover of food porn! I’ve been known to eat an entire frozen pizza by myself, or scarf down an entire serving of mac n cheese with a doughnut for dessert. And you all know how much I love In N Out burgers! But I also enjoy knowing I’m fit and trim and having a body that I feel good about. I’ve always kept myself in good shape and tried to eat reasonably healthy, but things have changed lately. The past year my metabolism seems to have slowed down and I have to work out twice as hard and eat half as much just to maintain my shape. Maybe that has caused me to focus more on my weight, because I never ever used to weigh myself, but I do now. I can always tell my weight based on how my clothes fit, which is how I normally monitor my weight. And that is what got me to thinking about all this and led to this column; I recently tried on a pair of skinny jeans I hadn’t worn in over two months, and they were loose, which I found shocking because I’d been feeling like I was out of shape.

There are times when I just want to say screw it and indulge in all my favorite foods, but then I pay the price in feeling bad about my body and the ensuing exercise binge to shed the extra weight I feel and see. I don’t starve myself or purge or count calories, but I know my body all too well and can tell when I’ve gained weight, and that is not a comfortable feeling for me. I suppose the secret is in finding a healthy balance, where I can enjoy eating but still feel good about my body, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find that point. And it’s become even more of a challenge lately since I’ve become interested in cooking again and have gotten reacquainted with some of my favorite recipes and come up with a few new ones. I’ve also recently come to the realization that I seem to eat more when I’m feeling down, which while not that uncommon among the general population, is new for me. It’s sort of a vicious circle; I feel down so I eat more which causes me to feel even worse because I feel bad about my body.

So it basically comes down to a choice for me. What do I enjoy more, eating or having a slender body? And for now, I choose to have a slender body. I know that at some point my metabolism will slow down even more and age will catch up to me and I won’t be able to maintain this level of fitness, so I want to enjoy it while I can. As someone who spent most of my life trying to blend in and not be noticed, I have to admit I enjoy having a social life and being able to wear clothes that are flattering and getting complimented on how I look. Yes, I like the attention. I don’t know if that makes me vain or if I’m just allowing myself to feel okay about getting a compliment, but whatever the case, I’m just trying to enjoy it and not over-think it. But having said that, it does worry me that I’ve become so focused on being skinny, because I know the end result of that type of thinking: eating disorders.

I’m well acquainted with eating disorders because a dear friend of mine has suffered with eating disorders for most of her adult life. She came close to dying from anorexia, but received inpatient treatment and got better, only to become bulimic. I’ve seen the physical damage, but the worst part is seeing how it affects her mentally and emotionally. Having an eating disorder literally takes over your life and affects everything you do; it’s a horrible way to live. Seeing someone I love have to go through that was really difficult, especially since there was only so much I could do to help. Even though I learned as much as I could about eating disorders to do what I could to help, it just wasn’t enough. So I tried to make a difference in other ways like being a member of the Eating Disorders Advisory Committee at the university where I worked because there is a huge problem with college kids and eating disorders. Thankfully she has been free of the eating disorders for several years and is happy and healthy.

And that is why I find my current situation so alarming. Is this a case where I know better, but I choose to ignore reason and common sense? I’m within the normal weight range for my height, and I’m not starving myself, but am I obsessing about it? Or am I just working hard to have a body I feel good about? I don’t know. I just know that for now I like being slender and am willing to forego eating some of the things I like and pushing myself to work out. I’ve always tried to be healthy, but have I unwittingly gone beyond that into being unhealthy?